Lets Talk About Sexy Baby!
Talk About Sex Baby!
By Lisa Daily
of the most common questions I get from readers is: "How soon long
should I wait before having sex with someone new?" (Actually, truth
be told, this question comes primarily from women. With few exceptions,
for most men the answer to the question "How soon should you have
sex?" is "How soon can I get it?")
Obviously, the "right time" between two consenting
adults varies with every relationship. Some people think it's okay to
sleep with someone on the first date, others think nothing before marriage
is acceptable. My own theory on the right time to do it for the first
time falls somewhere in between tramp-o-rama and virgin nun.
If you're just looking for a wild night, and a serious
relationship or pesky moral dilemmas aren't in the picture, then by all
means, let the shirt buttons go flying. But, if what you're looking for
is a long-term relationship, you should wait to have sex until you're
in an exclusive relationship and hold off on doing the deed for at least
No sex for the first month. Really.
Remember the old saying your mother, or grandmother
used to repeat, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"
Well, like it or not, in theory, it still holds true today. Sure the sexual
revolution has loosened things up a bit, but as we all know, that old
double standard still exists. Sure, you can either sit there, mentally
debating with me about why it's unfair or wrong, or you can just smile
and do what works. After all, what's a little delayed gratification when
we're talking about the man or woman of your dreams? Whip out the fur-lined
handcuffs and edible undies on your honeymoon, if you're so inclined.
The third date is not the time. Okay, now try not to have a heart attack,
it's really not that bad. Once you start dating someone exclusively, one
more month really isn't that long to wait.
Why wait a month? The answer may surprise you. It has
nothing to do with any moral issues, and it's not about playing hard to
get. It's about chemistry. Brain chemistry.
The Love Drug
When women have sex, a chemical called Oxytocin is
released in our brains. Scientists refer to it as the "Cuddle Hormone."
Why? Because it causes the affected person to get all sorts of mushy,
googly, nesting romantic feelings. So what happens if you have sex too
soon? A guy you thought was just so-so yesterday suddenly becomes Mr.
Fabulous once you've had sex with him. Did he stop ending jokes with "get
it?", picking his nose or talking incessantly about his mother/pet
iguana/job at the post office? No. The difference is sex. Doped up on
Oxytocin, it's much more difficult to judge whether or not he's someone
we really want to be with through the haze of googly-moogly romantic emotion.
The one-month sex embargo is just an extra measure
of certainty, to make sure the guy is really someone you want to be involved
with on that level of intimacy. How long you wait is up to you, as long
as you wait at least a month. After the one-month mark, it will be abundantly
clear to your man that you do not take this sex thing lightly, and that
someone would have to be pretty darn special before you'd consider jumping
into bed with him. And, you will have the opportunity to make your decision
using your brain while it is still functioning properly.
Don't worry if you think your guy will leave if you
don't have sex with him. After interviewing hundreds of men on the subject,
I can tell you that this simply isn't a factor. If he can't wait until
you're ready, he certainly won't be hanging around long after the deed
is done. By waiting, you are sending a message to your guy that sex with
you is something special, and he will have no choice but to believe you
are worth the wait.
Nag. Nag. Nag. Safety first.
I would be remiss if I didn't stress the importance
of safe sex. Always, always, always use a condom until you are both
1. In a long-term, monogamous relationship and also
2. Have both been tested and are clean for STDs.
If it freaks you out to buy condoms at the local Kroger
with your yogurt and salad-by-the-pound, by all means order yourself a
box from one of the many online drugstores. They'll deliver right to your
door, and even your postal worker won't suspect a thing.
About the author
Daily is a popular media guest and the author of Stop Getting Dumped!
All you need to know to make men fall madly in love with you and marry
"The One" in 3 years or less. At bookstores everywhere. As seen
in/on Cosmopolitan, Men's Health and Ricki Lake. Get Lisa's FREE dating
tips newsletter - chock-full of man-snagging techniques - at